This blog post is very raw and almost straight from my journal. Bear with me.
God is teaching me so much lately.
He’s letting me fall and break so that he can put me back together. He’s teaching me I can’t do this healing on my own. He’s teaching me where I need to shift my focus.
He gives and takes away.
Through this hard, hard, hard season… I am so grateful. I know nothing but gratitude as I sob because of the changes He’s bringing.
I walked through the park with my kids listening to Here Again by Elevation Worship. Stop reading and go listen to this song, I’ll wait.
Suddenly the words hit my heart like never before. Words that once felt lifeless were dancing in my body, breathing life into a dead spirit. As I pushed my stroller I had to stop and literally kneel in the grass and just cry.
Can’t go back to the beginning
Can’t control what tomorrow will bring
For the first time, like a drink of water after forty days in the desert, I understood these words. I so wish I could go back to the beginning, to the moment I sinned the worst and tell myself this is not the answer, this is a path to destruction. But I can’t go back and I have no earthly idea what tomorrow will bring. Literally all I can do is trust. This is so hard for me. Confession: I’m a mega control freak. While this is kind of a funny thing, it’s the root of a lot of my sin. Because I can’t even allow the God of the universe to have the steering wheel of my life. I need to be in control.
Then these words
I’m not enough
Unless you come
I’m not enough. Period.
What a relief, too. Remember that control freak part of my sin nature? Yeah, knowing the truth that I’m not enough apart from Christ is so freeing! But trust is still so necessary. I am just so grateful God is patient as I learn to trust…
Then, as these words ring through my ears, my chest cracks open. The truth they bring is like a balm on my aching heart. My prodigal soul sings:
Not for a minute was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
Not for a minute was I forsaken. I get it. I understand it now. In my wandering, wondering where God was in my own personal desert, He was there. He was there in His Spirit. He was there in my husband. He was there in my parents. He was there in church family. He was there in therapists and counselors and doctors. He. Was. There. Not for a minute did he forsake me. He didn’t look at me and see me as unworthy. As I type this my hands are shaking because I still don’t believe it, but like a girl being romanced by a longtime love, I am swooning. I am in disbelief but I relish the adoration of my First Love. I want to return this love but feel so unworthy.
He knows I am but dust, he knows I am weak and sinful. But still he loves me and wants me to be more and more like him until the Wedding Day.
I feel so in awe of His love right now. Maybe like never before.
He has broken me over and over throughout my life to teach me lessons, to show me that only He can heal my brokenness. But this break feels like the greatest of all. This season has been one of utter dryness, of wandering in a desert. There’s been lots of complaining and wondering where the hell God is. But now… I see an oasis. This time it’s not a mirage, I know water is coming soon and I’m so thirsty.