2AM

Usually around this time every night I am putting my baby back down to go to sleep after nursing him. And just like every night, I lay him down in his cosleeper next to the bed, roll over and watch him. He usually falls asleep while breastfeeding, and if not I hold him until he is asleep before putting him down. Tonight he tosses and turns and kicks his little legs restlessly against the side. I silently plead with him to fall asleep knowing that I will be waking at 4 to feed him again, just like every night. When he doesn’t stop kicking his feet and tossing himself back and forth, I scoop him up in my arms, put him on my chest, and lay down. His warm, soft body sinks into mine and he completely relaxes. Any bit of restlessness exits his tiny self and I feel his breathing slow. Just moments later he is asleep. He will be a month old in a couple of days and already he feels huge in comparison to the baby I birthed in this exact spot in this bed just four weeks ago. I’ve always dreamed of being a wife and mother over anything else, and he is totally better than anything I could have ever dreamed up. I treasure these moments, no matter how tired I am. These days with him, though challenging, have been the sweetest of my life so far. Breastfeeding was really hard and painful at first but now it is nothing but precious. Sleep sometimes feels like something I’ll never enjoy again, but there is something about waking up in the middle of the night to feed him that feels so special. It’s more sweet time together, which I love. I also feel like I am joining millions of women all over the world in doing the same thing each night; holding my baby close, listening to his breathing, waiting for him to fall asleep with a full belly, scrolling through Instagram in the meantime ;). No matter how hard, no matter how sleepless, I love these days…and I know it won’t be long before I will miss them. 

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